I don’t usually let people see my real reactions to things. Good or bad. Either I tone down whatever reaction I should have, or I intentionally react in some inappropriate manner as a joke, or I’ll develop one reaction that I apply to different scenarios. Everyone does this a bit, but I think I do it more. I think it’s part of why I’m a good actor and a good writer. I’m always acting, and I’m always trying to figure out the reaction people will appreciate the most.
So it’s easy for me to get really depressed without people knowing, and it’s easy for me to be angry at someone and not have them know either. If I don’t think it’s productive that people know these things, I’ll make sure they don’t find out.
I’ve had this fear since I was turned down for the officer’s course that I’ll become apathetic towards my job. Because now it’s a dead-end. It’s a race to the finish, and then on to whatever’s next. But that’s not enough to really get me apathetic, it’s just what opens up the possibility. In addition to that, I have to have a reason to not like my job. And it has to be a reason I can blame myself for, because I can deal with other people’s problems a lot better than my own. And I have to have something else going on in my life that feels more rewarding to serve as a contrast. “This is what I’d rather be doing.”
So all of that’s happened now. And I can feel the apathy eating at the back of my head. And I’m fighting it, because it’s not productive. But it feeds itself. It makes me do bad work, I get more upset with myself, I tell myself I need some distraction and I do something I like, but that just serves to show me how much I’d rather be doing other things.
But I have to do this for another year. I have to find a way to do my job in a way that what’s required of me actually happens. And I know myself well enough that I’ll demand more than that of myself.
I want to have time to write. I want to have time to act. I want to have time to practice guitar.
But I need to fulfill the promises I’ve made. To my country, to the people in my office, to people outside of my office, heck to myself too.
I think I’m a bit too responsible for my own good, and sometimes that causes me to do things that are horribly irresponsible.
But this isn’t the first time I’ve been in this situation, and I’d be fooling myself if I allowed the thought to enter my head that it might be the last. I’ll get past it somehow. Move forward. Figure out what my place is in this world.