The Thor/Mary Poppins Crossover that Nobody Asked For

(Dick Van Dyke is standing cheerfully atop a sooty London rooftop)

Dick Van Dyke: Come on, mateys, step in time!

(Six chimney sweeps jump on to rooftop and being singing and dancing in a comically Vaudevillian manner)

All: Step in time, step in time

(immediately on the beat between lines, six Frost Giants jump on to rooftop and kill the chimney sweeps, replacing them and continuing the dance)

Frost Giants: Jotunheim, Jotunheim

(Dick Van Dyke looks around for a moment, confused, but then joins in the Frost Giants as if nothing had happened)

All: Never need a reason, never need a rhyme, Jotunheim, Jotunheim!

(All are instantly transported to Jotunheim, home of the Frost Giants, and are attacked by Thor and Friends.  Ice Giants fight them back with comically Vaudevillian dance choreography as Frost Giants and Dick Van Dyke continue to sing)

Frost Giants, Dick Van Dyke: Fight the Aesir, Jotunheim! Fight the Aesir, Jotunheim!
Never need a reason, never need a rhyme, fight the Aesir, Jotunheim!

(A Frost Giant kicks Thor’s hammer out of his hands and away from the fight, causing the god to cry out)

Thor: Mjolnir!

Frost Giants, Dick Van Dyke: Mjolnir! Jotunheim! Mjolnir! Jotunheim! Never need a reason, never need a rhyme, Mjolnir! Jotunheim!

(Frost Giants gain advantage in the fight, pushing the Aesir backwards)

Frost Giants, Dick Van Dyke: Off to Asgard, Jotunheim! Off to Asgard, Jotunheim!  Never need a reason, never need a rhyme, Off to Asgard, Jotunehiem!

(Fight reaches throne room of Asgard, an ice giant stabs Odin)

Frost Giants, Dick Van Dyke: Death to Odin, Jotunheim!  Death to Odin, Jotunheim!  Never need a reason, never need a rhyme, death to Odin, Jotunheim!

(Suffragettes enter Asgard)

Suffragettes: Votes for women!

Frost Giants, Dick Van Dyke: Votes for women, Jotunheim!  Votes for women, Jotunehim!  Never need a reason, never need a rhyme, votes for women, Jotenheim!

(Frost Giants stop singing and dancing immediately, Dick Van Dyke continues for a few seconds, then notices that everyone else has stopped and awkwardly ends his dance)

Frost Giant #1: Truly, these women have a point.  How can we, the Frost Giants, consider ourselves to be a progressive, modern society, when we do not give credence to the voices of the women who make our society possible?  I say it truly, it is not for us to meddle in the affairs of Asgard when there is so much that we must do concerning the affairs of Jotunheim first.  We will now take leave of your realm Odin, King of the Aesir, and when we return it will not be with the instruments of war, but rather with documents of law: ideas, blueprints for how to improve society which we will not think to impose upon you, but hope that you are able to take ideas from, and perhaps even expand upon.  War need not be the only form of communication between our two worlds.

(Frost Giants all leave, energetically discussing among each other the possibilities of government reform and the possible influx of new ideas to be gained.  Aesir find themselves in a state of shock, yet unable to register their relief.)

Thor: There is surely something amiss among the Frost Giants.

Dick Van Dyke: Theeeey’re Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious…

(Dick Van Dyke continues singing as he dances out of Asgard.  There is a long pause)

Odin (slowly): Now there goes a clever gent.

(Fade out)

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One Response to The Thor/Mary Poppins Crossover that Nobody Asked For

  1. Gabriel Cohen says:

    I started reading this while listening to some loud, fast, British punk rock. It significantly improved the experience of that first part with the chimney-sweeps.

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