(Note: the intention of this posting is *not* to produce a quality scene. It is to toss elements from different properties together in a way that will make people giggle.)
Simon Tam finds himself kidnapped by mysterious agents. They might be remnants of the Alliance, they might simply be soldiers of fortune. He has no way of knowing. They pace before him, their faces marred by both mask and shadow, telling him about his ancestry: relations he never knew about, a lineage that these agents were somehow able to trace all the way back to Earth that Was, back to a twenty-first century couple named J.D. and Elliot.
The scene shifts to Sacred Heart Hospital, where J.D. just doesn’t understand why Dr. Cox has been riding him so hard lately.
“I just don’t understand why Dr. Cox is riding me so hard lately!”
“Yeah,” a currently ‘just friends’ Elliot replies, “well at least he pays attention to you. I feel like I could find a cure for fricking cancer and he’d barely even notice.”
J.D., daydreaming about curing cancer, walks into a wall as Elliot enters a new patient’s room.
“And what seems to be the problem Mr.,” Elliot pauses to check her chart, “Fillion?”
The tall, boxy-looking man with scruffy hair squints painfully and indicates between his legs as he lies on the bed. “As it turned out, apparently the hammer wasn’t my penis after all,” he half-grunts.
“Excuse me,” Elliot says, confused.
“Oh, it’s a line from this thing I did,” the patient replies. “Don’t worry about it. But seriously, I slipped on a diving board and landed on a sensitive area. Can you fix it?”
“Are you sure you want to be fixed?” the doctor asks, with a pointed emphasis on the last word.
The patient’s eyes go wide, “No, no, ma’am. No thank you. Just, y’know, make it better.”
Elliot gives a half-smile. “We’ll see what we can do.”
As Dr. Reid leaves the patient’s room, the scene shifts back to the twenty-sixth century, to a room containing two tied-up hostages and several shady captors. This room, where Captain Malcolm Reynolds and Zoe, his second in command, are being held, adjoins the one that holds Simon Tam.
Mal looks at the closest captor incredulously. “What, so you’re saying I’m descended from a two-bit actor that had poor coordination? Why do you think I should care?”
Neither figure reacts, but the second one looks more closely at Zoe. “Your ancestor treated his in that hospital.”
“Like Captain Reynolds said, why should I care?”
Once again, the scene returns to Sacred Heart hospital, where nurse Carla Espinoza is changing Nathan Fillion’s IV.
“Say,” Nathan says, “weren’t you on an episode of my show?”
“Your show?” Carla asks.
“‘Castle,'” he says, “I play a novelist that helps the NYPD. You didn’t play a mother whose toddler was kidnapped in one episode?”
“Mr. Fillion,” Carla says, “If you are trying to hit on me, I should let you know that I am happily married and that my husband is going to be performing your surgery tonight.”
Just then a wall bursts open in the room that holds Simon, and Jayne Cobb steps through.
“Gorram it,” Jayne says at Simon, “I was hoping I wouldn’t find you at all.”
Jayne then opens fire, killing the two shadowy men.
“Mal and Zoe are in the next room,” Simon says, pointing his head towards the next room.
Jayne knocks down that wall and kills those other guys too. The writer stops putting in effort because at this point he’s bored and just wants to get to the punchline.
Everyone is saved and leaves the shadowy compound. Jayne holds back, checking a shadowy computer before following his crewmates. “Hah. Fillion. What a stupid name. I’ll bet my ancestors had better names.” After a few moments of searching, Jayne pumps his fist in the air and cries out, “Yes! Jackpot! Buckland is totally a great name!”
“Jayne,” Mal calls, “get your ass over here.”
Jayne leaves the room.
Fade to black.