I’ve been having this conversation with myself for a while, and intermittently with other people, too, but I feel like I need to open this up. Maybe turning this into a “general knowledge” problem among my friends will help me. Maybe it won’t. Who knows.
Increasingly over the last six months or so, I’ve felt like there is less and less of a role for me in Israel. My plan was “get out of the army, spend a year trying to figure something out here, and if I don’t, then it’s time to look overseas.”
It’s been less than three months since my service ended, but I’m already hitting a wall. I’m just not gaining any traction in anything. I can’t find an apartment that I can afford in the area I want to live, I can’t find a job that I can feel good about, and even the ones I feel bad about are hard to come by, and slowly all of the doors I’d planned to look into have closed before my face.
It’s a really difficult decision to come to. More difficult by orders of magnitude than the decision to move here in the first place. It would mean admitting that whatever I wanted to accomplish by moving here didn’t work out, that I’d failed, that the State of Israel isn’t the right place for me. It would mean saying goodbye to some really good friends before I even really got to know a lot of them. Isn’t it a bit ridiculous? I’d be saying goodbye to more good friends from a school I never attended, none of whom I’ve known for more than a year and a half, than I did when I left the house I’d lived in through elementary, middle, and high school.
But probably most importantly, leaving Israel would mean jumping headlong into a situation with no definition at all, almost out of necessity. Sure, as of now there’s a nice two-story suburban house that I could probably live in rent-free waiting for me in Florida, and sure it’s walking distance from two shopping centers and biking distance from one of the biggest malls in the country, but I’ve been there before. I know what’s there and what I can make from it. It’s a stepping stone at best. I’d have to find a way to carve a whole new life from somewhere among those three hundred million people, and that’s fairly intimidating.
But I need to move forward. And I don’t know if I can do that by staying in a place where I keep hitting brick walls, where I’ve managed to live for six years without developing a single employable skill, where I can’t manage to get my act together regardless of how much effort I put into it.
I wish there was a magic wand that could just come and solve one of my problems. Not all of them. Just one. That someone out there would just magically appear and say “I want to give you a job, and it involves writing and marketing!” Or give me an apartment. Or hand me a contract and say “if you promise to do A, B, and C, you will receive X, Y, and Z, no catches.” Just some element of stability somewhere in my life, or even the promise of stability.
I’m suddenly reminded of the first post I ever wrote on this blog. Maybe it’s time for me to get on that train.